Not gonna lie, this has been a pretty intense experience for me and I’m struggling to let go. The rational and emotional sides are competing like Mehmed II at the walls of Constantinople. Fiery cannons of transformation battering the layered defensive walls of learned self protection.
At first I was not allowing myself to be attracted to you but our conversations were so open and fluid. From you feeling safe to tell me about the orbs, to travel companions going to Italy, to Virgos and Scorpios are a good match, to knowing that you’re going through a really difficult time in your life, to being on a journey of spiritual self discovery, to being independent, ambitious, and busting ass just to get by. Rather than feeling bombarded by an invading force, it felt safe to open the gates and welcome the army into the inner recesses of that hallowed city.
Walking through the door after a long day of traveling for work to find lit candles and my home filled with fragrance, I realized how much a feminine presence has been missing. I realized for however much I desire independence and freedom, coming home to someone means far more.
That hug. That hug when you can no longer tell where you end and the other person begins… you fit so perfectly.
Many years ago, someone told me there’s nothing sacred about sex. As a key trait I’ve been looking to find in a partner, my mistake was taking what they said to heart. While we were making love you reached out to touch my face and our eyes met. I cannot express how much that meant. Such a simple gesture may seem insignificant, but it brought me back to believing that connecting with someone energetically, and even spiritually is desirable and valued. Holding you afterwards was something else I’ve sorely missed for a long time.
I dove a little deeper into the Pattern app, then looked at our combined astro chart. At the very least it confirmed some of the things I’ve sensed at an intuitive level. If only briefly, you came into my life for a reason. There is a magnetic attraction we both felt. While no chart is free of challenges, there is true potential for us to build an amazing partnership.
As a young boy, Mehmed had recurring dreams about breaching the walls his father was unable to. This gave him clear vision of the purpose and destiny of his lifetime. Oh, how I envy the sense of knowing one’s purpose, but this is one time I am clear on the vision.
The rational part of me says we barely know each other. There could be any number of reasons why we’re not a good fit. You might be the same anxious type I’ve attracted time and again. You might like to yell, break things, or kick down doors when you’re angry. Been there, done with that! Maybe you’ve been blowing smoke up my ass about what’s really going on this whole time. I don’t know any of these things to be true. Obviously, there are many factors in motion I’m not aware of that have nothing to do with me. Point is, I don’t have enough factual information to determine if you are right for me, and recognize that I’ve been projecting fantasies rather than dealing with objective reality based on the facts in front of me.
You have been honest about not being ready for a relationship, but haven’t said much about what is on the to do list. I didn’t ask. I guess there’s nothing wrong with doing so out of curiosity, but I figured you would tell me more if and when you wanted. I wish I knew more now because the truth is far easier to deal with than wondering. I noticed you had Cali plates but thought you relocated to call Tucson home. When you mentioned taking a trip to Nor Cal, it sounded like you were going to visit family or friends for a short while. Again, I didn’t ask. I didn’t want to pry or sound like I was checking up on you. It’s none of my business.
Towards the end of my marriage, I made lists of things I want in a relationship, deal breakers, what love means to me and so on. From an objective point of view, there are some things that don’t check all the boxes of what I believe to be ideal. On the other hand, many of the factors that create a solid, loving partnership do exist between us – at least as a point to start from. I’ve realized those are way more important than trying to find someone who checks off each and every one of the more practical, even superficial items on those lists.
Success in a relationship isn’t determined by astrological charts, personality types, or love languages. Those are all great tools to start peeling back the layers when getting to know someone -how they think, why they feel, or do things a certain way. Success is determined by how well two people communicate – especially when they’re upset. Success is being curious about the other person, having a foundation of friendship where you simply enjoy their company, even when they’re not feeling sunshine and rainbows. There is no other place you would rather be. It is reaching out to care for one another. It is supporting the other person as they strive to fulfill their goals and dreams, and looking for them to compliment, not complete ones own life. Then it comes down to commitment and doing the work of trying to understand yourself and the other person in deeper and more meaningful ways. One can and should do much of that work on their own. Some of it can only be done in relationship with another precisely because it brings things to the surface that need attention and healing. The key is to approach each other from a place of understanding, and not playing the guilt, blame, shame game. Been there, done with that too! I’m not looking to jump into anything serious too quickly, but to build a relationship by showing up and being accepted for who I am. Really, most of that comes from within.
Diving into attachment style has hit me hard. It is so powerful and cuts through a lot of the fluffier aspects of other approaches. As someone with an avoidant attachment style, a quote that struck me in particular was “avoidant types don’t purposefully hide their feelings from other people, their brains hide their emotions from themselves.” Holy shit! Avoidant types learned from a very early age that their needs should be dealt with on their own. Emotions, and especially negative ones, shouldn’t be discussed. Keep it to yourself, nobody wants to hear it. Vulnerability is weakness. This entire piece has been recounting what happened, analyzing my experience, telling you my perspective. One of the ways this attachment style can learn to be more integrated is by letting their defenses down and allowing themselves to feel and express their emotional pain.
More than anything, I feel disappointed. It was so nice having you here and I found myself just wanting to be around you. I feel a connection that has grown over time, remains undeniable, and I know you feel it too. It’s scary AF but I have to trust my intuition and follow my heart. After seeing you are into spirituality, relationship stuff – like how to have a healthy, mature one; and being fully aware there is still work to be done – I was really looking forward to getting to know you, and allowed myself to get excited for spending time together. Singing along to our favorite country on our way to some outdoor adventure with the pups in the back seat.
I wanted to be intimate with you and wasn’t thinking it meant things were going to become serious, but it did mean more than getting laid. When your cycle was late, it was like oh fuck – and totally not how either of us expected things to go. Nevertheless, it would have turned out alright and I was ready to commit myself to being your partner. And holy crap, this has been so intense already. You just met this guy and shit is getting real way too fast. I can totally understand why you might feel completely overwhelmed. After being self reliant, resilient, and strong to keep yourself protected, I can also understand why you would be skeptical of someone so readily willing to open the gates. Never trust a gift from the Greeks!
There is no way I could have anticipated my feelings becoming as strong as they have. I picture waking up next to you, lightly brushing my hands from your neck to your hips, rubbing your shoulders, tucking your hair behind your ear as you turn to kiss me good morning. I want you beside me as my queen. I want to stand by you as your king. I want to learn about who you are, who you want to become. Knowing all the while it’s such a blessing to have you in my life.
I have to acknowledge feeling discarded and it really sucks. You’re telling me you have no one else to turn to. You’re in the worst pain of your life. I can’t save you from that pain, but I could be a friend who you can talk with. Again, scary AF to bring shadows into the light, much less share with someone you barely know. We’ve never texted a lot or every day, and everyone is busy. We also make time for what is important so after texting you over the last couple weeks and not hearing back, the story I’m telling myself is that I’m annoying you and you aren’t interested in staying in touch.
I also feel gratitude for several beautiful gifts. You have shown me it is possible to find love again. There are times it is worthwhile to wait for someone. The past is gone and needs no explanation – assume the best of intentions and be here now. Thank you.
Mehmed deployed the largest cannon ever made at that point in history to lay siege upon the walls of Constantinople. Walls that proved impenetrable from numerous attacks during the thousand years prior. Imagine what it was like to be standing there, looking at the void in what once seemed impossible, to realize the destiny he envisioned for so long finally coming to be.
As I stand looking at the giant hole blasted through my defenses, the gates have been open all along.